Reason Number 80 Why I Am Going to Hell

While writing reason number 79, I remembered another reason why I am going to hell and thus decided to write it. Why was I reminded of this other occasion? Simple, I was reminded of it because it involves Heidi, my co-worker, and a friend of hers dying. Yes, I know it is not right to make fun of people when they die, but it is so much fun. So, this is the story behind reason number eighty:

A few weeks back, I was at work bored so I decided to go talk to some of the people in the offices in the back.  I stopped by Heidi's office to ask how she was doing and she told me that she was just informed that one of her old friends in Oklahoma had died that weekend. My first instinct, due to the fact that she did not know me that well back then, was to be sympathetic. I asked how long had she known him and she informed me that he had been a friend from high school and from her teenage years. I asked her what had happened. Apparently, he worked night shifts in a different town in OK and had a thirty minute commute every morning. Well, on Monday morning, as he was driving back home, he was hit by an eighteen-wheeler and had died due to the injuries maintained in the accident. She said that they were going to have his funeral that Friday and that she would be driving to OK Friday morning. I once again said I was sorry that her friend had died and left her office.

Friday morning came around and I noticed her car wasn't there that morning and I remembered she was gone in order to attend the funeral. I thought about something nice to send her in a text message in order to offer my support and the best I could come up with was "Have a safe drive. Hope you make it to Oklahoma safe... unlike your friend." I thought that was hilarious and thus became the 80th reason why I am going to hell. I felt it wished her a safe trip, let her know I was thinking of her, and used humor to lighten an otherwise emotionally tough situation. Apparently, no one else saw the positive in all of this. I thought I had a really funny and great way to comfort my friend, but apparently I was just being disrespectful to the dead.

I did not hear back from Heidi that day, and for a moment I thought she was mad at me. I sent her a text apologizing for my most awesome text. She did respond to that one and said that I did not need to apologize. That she had not responded because she had been busy the day before but that she was not mad or upset.  She went on to mention that she had received the text during the service at the church and the it was all she could do to keep from laughing out loud. Apparently, I am not the only person in the world with an inappropriate sense of humor. It is always good to know that although I may end up in hell, at least I will be accompanied by people with a good sense of humor.

Happy Birthday, Noe.

This is gonna be a serious one. Those with a weak disposition may want to skip it and wait for the next installment.

I was gonna write a real blog today but I figured I was going to set this day aside in memory of my late younger brother Noe. Today would have been his 22nd birthday. He passed away on Christmas of 1999 at the early age of eleven.

I am not gonna say we always got along. We were brothers so we fought our fair share. He even peed on me when I was a kid once because I made him mad. To be fair, he did warn me but I didn't think he would do it. I was wrong.

He was dealt a difficult hand when he was eight and, after three arduous years of battling leukemia, he passed on.

I miss him though. It is at times like these that I wish I believed in Heaven or an afterlife. I do hope he is still out there, somewhere, in some shape or form.

Sometimes, I feel like he got cheated because he did not get to experience more of life. I think about what life would have been if our roles were reversed. I still don't know if living is really the prize or if being released from this dark world that really is the goal. I will never know. I am just grateful that I had him in my life for as long as I did. I think in the end, that is all that matters.

Gym and Chipotle and Movies, oh My!

I have several apologies to make. First, I am sorry that I have not posted in almost a week. I haven't had much happen lately. However, I will make up for it by writing a long-ish post today. Second, I am sorry for writing a long-ish post instead of writing more often because I am lazy. Third, I am sorry for being lazy, but it is too late to change my ways now. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. That's what I am, an old dog. A few more dog years and you will have to take me behind the shed and shoot me. Fourth, I am sorry that the picture quality and quantity of my blog sucks. The latter is caused due to the fact that I am using a Creative Commons License for it so I am pretty sure, though not 100 percent, that I am not supposed to use random pictures from the internet without permission. I guess I could always credit the artist but I have yet to learn how to do that. That is why I believe that I have to buy a digital camera and take all the pics myself or use pictures my friends take and let me use. The former is caused by the fact that I am using my phone to take pictures with and, though it has a nice camera in it, I am not good at taking pics and they always come out blurry. Fifth, I am sorry I don't have the resources to buy a new camera right now as it would solve my need for the fourth apology. Sixth, I am sorry I started this long-ish post with all these apologies. Now, buckle up as we are just getting started and we still have the rest of the post to go through.

On the gym front, I went to the gym again today!!! I think I am starting to like it and I am sure that having a gym buddy has been a major part of that. I am stopping by the gym tomorrow to get a membership. They are offering me a 29.99 monthly payment with no enrollment fee. I hope the contract is not too long though.

On another note, since having one workout buddy worked out so well, I figured the more the better right? That is why, tomorrow when I go ask about membership I am gonna ask about some passes for the two ladies that offered to workout with me, and provided me with a bike last Friday, and put up with my slow pace and cramped leg. I foresee many fun evenings at the gym with none other but the fabulous T & K! Now, they have not met my workout buddy yet so I hope they get along. After all, it's not like we aren't all just a big gay family anyway. We gays got to stick together.

And the great gym news just keep coming... Tonight while working out my heart rate only went up to 172!!! I know what you are gonna say... (mainly because I like putting words in your mouth) 172 is high for a heart rate. You have got to keep in mind though that tonight was the first time that my heart rate did not break 190. See?!? That is called progress. Maybe. At least I am getting used to it, I think. Acclimatization is crucial to the whole not dying of a heart attack while working out. Something I plan to do little of because I don't think my WBs "Workout Buddies" would enjoy seeing me dead on the floor. Plus, I would be one heavy body to move. I need to lose weight so the EMTs that get to carry my body to the morgue won't have to struggle too much. Plus, I gotta get to the point where I look better naked so that the coroner will be able to keep his lunch while performing the autopsy to confirm that my heart gave out due to the fact that I did not give my body enough time to adjust. See, why I am excited about a 172 heart rate? On the light side, I have been thinking a lot about death lately but I already have way too many topics for this post so I shall leave it for the next. Moving on...

Next topic: Chipotle! Today was Happy CHIPOTLE Day! For those of you who do not know what Chipotle is, allow me to illuminate your lives with the wonderful, warm, beacon of light that is Chipotle. Chipotle is a burrito place. I don't want to over sell it but it is... how shall I phrase it... THE BEST BURRITO PLACE THAT HAS EVER EXISTED AND WILL EVER EXIST IN THE HISTORY AND FUTURE OF HUMANKIND!!! If you can't tell, I really like it. Really, really, really like it. Really, really, really, really like it. Get the picture? Now you would think that they were paying me to do this, but they are not. I am doing this for free. I am not adverse to the idea of getting some free burritos from this if someone out there reading this can help with that (not so subtle hint). Just in case, this is my recipe for the perfect burrito. I know most of you don't care but I am still putting it out there. I like the burrito with rice, black beans, barbacoa (sorry T), hot red sauce, cheese and extra hot red sauce. My mouth is watering just thinking about it. To think I did not like Chipotle the first few times I tried it, it just makes me sad because of all the time I wasted not eating their burritos.


On a happier note, today I got to eat Chipotle for free. A friend of mine, who happens to also be a co-worker of mine, had the brilliant idea of dropping her business card into a fishbowl where you could win a free lunch for five. She possesses a big portion of the world's good luck. She wins contests all the time and this time was not the exception. She received a call on Tuesday letting her know she had won and, out of the goodness of her heart, she thought to invite me as one of her guests. This morning when I got to work, the first thing I did after all the usual morning stuff is make a little badge for Happy CHIPOTLE Day!!! and stuck it on my shirt. I also took a picture of it. When you see the picture you will understand my need for a digital camera as the picture is lousy, but I think you will appreciate the sentiment and the emotion behind it.

As much as I like Chipotle, it is time to move on. Bye Chipotle. I miss you already. OK, the last topic, and the source of my ingenious title is, for all of those that did not figure it out by now, The Wizard of Oz. I will be the first to admit that I am a bit behind on my gay culture. You have no idea how many times people have wanted to take my gay card away because I had never seen that movie before. Well, it is because I had never seen The Wizard of Oz before Saturday, and I still have never seen The Sound of Music, or listened to any Madonna music from the eighties. I always argue that it is another set of attributes altogether that allow me to have a gay card. Besides, I do know a lot of Britney Spears songs. I have been a Lady Gaga song from the very beginning. I have followed Fergie, The Pussycat Dolls, and anything that resembles gay music. I do know some of the modern musicals, including Wicked. I know RENT by heart. So, I would argue I am gay enough. It is just taking me a while to catch up on the oldies.

Luckily for me, I have no life. You might remember that my last post was from the Saturday when nothing happened. I was SOOOOO bored. Boredom is never a good thing. After writing that lame post, I was left with nothing to do. I then remembered that I had received in the mail the blu-ray disc of The Wizard of Oz earlier in the week. I thought about it and after thoughtful consideration and rationalizing that I had been to the gym twice that week, I set out to spend about fifteen bucks on junk food at fast food places. I figured you could not watch the movie without massive amounts of junk food. Especially if you are going to start watching it after midnight. So I settled on the floor, surrounded by junk food and hit play on the blu-ray player. What did I think of it? I am glad you asked...

I know that I stand alone, but I must say, risking my gay card being revoked, that The Wizard of Oz was not that great. I would say it was barely good. Please don't hate me. I understand the nostalgic value of a movie that one enjoyed as a kid and continues to love into adulthood. That does not mean the movie is good. Also, maybe it was good in its time, but not today. Remember, as Frost said, "Nothing gold can stay." For one, the acting is... well, bad. So overacted it was painful to watch. I have a feeling that the time it was made in may be responsible for that but, oh my deity, it was too much. Also, what kind of girl goes into strangers' cabins? Especially, roadside attraction strangers' cabins. What kind of message does that send? Also, Glinda looked ridiculous and the Munchkins were too creepy. I guess the biggest thing is that I always expected Toto to be a cute dog instead of the mangy mongrel that he actually was. On a positive note, he was a better actor than some of the humans in the film. I guess it wasn't all that bad. I learned that the quote "And her little dog too" is from the Wicked Witch of the West and not Cruella de Vil, as I originally thought. Then again there are all the other famous quotes like "Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore." I am not gonna say the movie was a complete waste of time. I did get to listen to "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" fully for the first time ever. It was OK. It did get me thinking if The Wizard of Oz is where the rainbow originated as a gay symbol. Perhaps. Perhaps not. One classic down, a million to go.

So I have rambled on for too long now. I think I have fulfilled my promise about the long post making up for the lack of shorter ones. I apologize again for the crappy quality of the picture. It really only says Happy CHIPOTLE Day!!! with "yum" and "mmm" on the periphery. This has taken me a couple of hours to write. Mainly because I have been texting friends and watching Buffy at the same time, but also because I do believe it is my longest post so far. I was more than making up for not posting sooner, I also don't know when my next post will be as I will be helping a friend move all weekend. But more on that later.

"MJ"*

*To all my readers, this is my first guest post. It is not from someone famous but from a very dear friend of mine. Without further ado I give you the post from my friend Hilly:

He was a modern day cowboy....

When I first met MJ I was 16 and still living with my parents. He and his wife had just moved to the neighborhood. You could tell by looking at his red leathered skin that he had lived a rough, wild life, but his sincere blue eyes and his assuring smile reflected his true nature; a kind, non judging cowboy waiting in the distance for when he is needed. Little did I know that two years later I would discover how true those words would be.

Eighteen. This was a dark period in my life. My world as I had understood it had crumbled as the relationship and the place in my family was destroyed and my " best friend" who I loved so dearly had abandoned me simultaneously. The slight confidence I had built was obliterated and I furthered my self worthlessness via Marlboro cigarettes. Unable to sleep I decided to slowly kill myself with a pack of cigarettes outside the front of my house only to find out that my parents noticed and consequently locked me out. Broken, pained with the knowledge that my family lost all promise in me, anguished that they had given up on me, shamed that they didn't want me anymore, walked away.

Aimlessly I walked pointlessly up and down my street not knowing what to do for I had no shoes, no keys, no phone, no money. Then I noticed a blue glow coming from my neighbors home and on closer inspection the door open with a glass screen shielding it. Hesitantly I tip toed over not knowing why my neighbor would be up and how he would react to a troubled eighteen year old girl knocking on his door in the middle of the night. Sheepishly I rapped the glass and he appeared. He looked at me he was not alarmed, inquisitive, but not condeming. He spoke, hello. Embarresed I asked him if I could use his phone to call a friend, that I was locked out of my house. "Of course" he said, "its not trouble at all I am just watching old movies. I have insomnia and can not sleep. You're welcome to stay and watch some with me until you can reach someone." I stayed a little while, smoked a ciggarette with him and called a friend". He never pried about the paramedics earlier that week and only said to me " You know I have seen how you take care of your brother and sister and how you take them to school, you're a good kid." I laughed as I tried to hold back the tears. With a warm knowing glance he said nothing more and we just sat. Being with him those few moments was so healing. Without words he told me everything was going to be ok, my life was not over, and that I was a worthwhile person. We never had spent any other time like that together since that night, except for the occasional passing conversation outside my parents house, irregardless an understood connection remained. I hope he knows how much he helped me that night and how I will never forget him.

March 27, 2010 MJ died of pnemonia a complication from lung cancer. He was only 2 days shy of his 60th birthday. I was so happy to see so many people at his simple funeral-the way he wanted it. I regret never verbally telling him the thought I am sharing with you but was comforted by a thank you letter his widowed wife had written me. She said "MJ always thought of you, saying what a fine young lady you are"...

Thank you MJ, thank you.