Reason Number 81 Why I Am Going to Hell

This actually happened a few months back yet I think it is still worth telling. As you all know by now, I don't really have a social life. Thus I usually don't have much to tell. If it weren't for my co-workers, I probably wouldn't have much to share at all. Luckily, I am surrounded by quirky co-workers that keep me entertained and put up with all my idiosyncrasies.  My friend Heidi, who was featured in two of my earlier reasons I am going to hell, is one of such co-workers. Heidi is, of course, not her real name. I shall never reveal her real name or where we work in order to protect her privacy (along with the Co-Worker's [who has unfortunately recently informed that she will not be reading this blog anymore due to the inconsistency of my posting]and He Who Reads From the Shadows'). I am adding a new co-worker as I am sure that she will give me more than just this one story I am about to tell. She shall be henceforth known by the moniker of Dottie. (On a personal note, I chose that nickname because I know she will hate it.)

When I first started my current job, I was excited because I thought I was going to have plenty of time to read. I did not however know that, although I would have time, I would not have the willpower to read as often as I could because I would waste too much time playing around with co-workers and watching videos on the minuscule screen on my iPod.

On random days, though, I can be seen reading a book here and there. A few months back, I was reading Letters From the Earth by Mark Twain. It had come greatly recommended by a very valued friend and I was not disappointed. I was sitting at my desk reading when Dottie came up to it and asked me what I was doing. Always eager to engage someone in conversation and maybe even lure them into an argument, I quickly told her about the book. I know that the anti-religious sentiment in it would not bode well with her as we had argued about religion in the past. This time however I was surprised by the fact that she was not as judgmental as I expected and just went on a tangent about how she wanted to get an e-reader. She said she had recently been called to jury duty and that she saw a young girl, Dottie is "middle-aged" (I refuse to give her real age on account that she has already threatened to shoot me in the past), with one and she had become interested. I, having a Lit degree, quickly argued that you lose a lot from the reading experience by not having a physical book when you are reading. She said she could see my point but was quick to add that you could have up to a thousand books and could carry them more conveniently. I quickly countered by saying, "That doesn't matter. You don't even have enough time left to read a thousand books." Which might have been a bad thing to say. Especially if you remember that she I said she was "middle-aged", which is me being generous about her age. Still, I probably should not tell someone that they won't be alive long enough to read as many books as they want. Fortunately, once it dawned on her what I had said and after the quick shock of the comment, she laughed it off. I felt kind of bad and tried to fix it by saying that I probably did not have enough time to read a thousand books either. It did not seem too consoling that we were both too old to read one thousand books. Anyway, she did say that I was going to go to hell for saying something like that after which I had no choice but to write about it here.

Well, there it is. Reason number eighty-one why I am going to hell is that I reminded someone that death is nigh, and nigher every minute. I rather like this story but it probably is one of those stories which were better if you were there. Anyway, at least I had something to write. To be honest, I started writing this pretty late on Sunday night and after a whole day of cleaning and laundry. The only reason I did is because I promised Preggo, for whom I need to find a new nickname since she already had her baby, that I would write something on the blog this weekend. I do have one more reason why I am going to hell coming and a lot of stuff has happened so I do want to write a new post soon. Until then, thanks for still reading.

Reason Number 80 Why I Am Going to Hell

While writing reason number 79, I remembered another reason why I am going to hell and thus decided to write it. Why was I reminded of this other occasion? Simple, I was reminded of it because it involves Heidi, my co-worker, and a friend of hers dying. Yes, I know it is not right to make fun of people when they die, but it is so much fun. So, this is the story behind reason number eighty:

A few weeks back, I was at work bored so I decided to go talk to some of the people in the offices in the back.  I stopped by Heidi's office to ask how she was doing and she told me that she was just informed that one of her old friends in Oklahoma had died that weekend. My first instinct, due to the fact that she did not know me that well back then, was to be sympathetic. I asked how long had she known him and she informed me that he had been a friend from high school and from her teenage years. I asked her what had happened. Apparently, he worked night shifts in a different town in OK and had a thirty minute commute every morning. Well, on Monday morning, as he was driving back home, he was hit by an eighteen-wheeler and had died due to the injuries maintained in the accident. She said that they were going to have his funeral that Friday and that she would be driving to OK Friday morning. I once again said I was sorry that her friend had died and left her office.

Friday morning came around and I noticed her car wasn't there that morning and I remembered she was gone in order to attend the funeral. I thought about something nice to send her in a text message in order to offer my support and the best I could come up with was "Have a safe drive. Hope you make it to Oklahoma safe... unlike your friend." I thought that was hilarious and thus became the 80th reason why I am going to hell. I felt it wished her a safe trip, let her know I was thinking of her, and used humor to lighten an otherwise emotionally tough situation. Apparently, no one else saw the positive in all of this. I thought I had a really funny and great way to comfort my friend, but apparently I was just being disrespectful to the dead.

I did not hear back from Heidi that day, and for a moment I thought she was mad at me. I sent her a text apologizing for my most awesome text. She did respond to that one and said that I did not need to apologize. That she had not responded because she had been busy the day before but that she was not mad or upset.  She went on to mention that she had received the text during the service at the church and the it was all she could do to keep from laughing out loud. Apparently, I am not the only person in the world with an inappropriate sense of humor. It is always good to know that although I may end up in hell, at least I will be accompanied by people with a good sense of humor.

Reason Number 79 Why I Am Going to Hell

A while back, I had planned to take some of my co-workers to the drag show in Dallas. I find the drag show to be really fun and I believe it is something most people should experience at least once in their lifetime.  Due to the fact that we all have very different schedules I had planned it with a month in advance.  I even made a facebook event and invited the 6 co-workers that were to come. The first hitch we had was that The Co-Worker was not going to be able to come, thus reducing our number to 5. Preggo was also invited but could not attend. Since she is not a co-worker, and does not have a facebook page, she was not counted in the official list anyway. Other than that, everything seemed to be going smoothly, that was until one day before the day we were supposed to go.  This is what leads to reason seventy-nine of why I am going to hell.

We were scheduled to go on a Saturday night. The morning of the Friday before, everyone that was going had confirmed and we had even discussed logistics. Two of the co-workers are really close and had said that if one of them could not go, the other would not go either. That fateful morning, Heidi received a call from her mother. One of her aunts in Houston was very ill and had been given two days to live. She was going to have to drive down to Houston that weekend and was thus going to miss the drag show. Unfortunately, because she was not attending, her friend was not going to go either. When they cancelled, another co-worker said she really did not want to attend and that left me with just one more person who agreed that it would just be better if we re-scheduled.

I was so disappointed. It's just my luck to have one of my friend's aunts die on the weekend when I am planning an outing. Bear with me, it gets worse. I walked over to my desk, picked up my phone and called The Co-Worker and said, "Imma beat me a dead woman." I apologize for the horrible grammar in that sentence but I am quoting verbatim for two reasons. First of all, I wanted the quote to be realistic, and second, because I love how that phrase sounds. There you have it, reason number 79 why I am going to hell. Not only was I unsympathetic towards Heidi's family loss, I was mad at her aunt for interfering with my plans by dying.

Yes, I do recognize how horrible this is. I am pretty sure that hell will have a circle completely dedicated to me and that drag queens will somehow be incorporated into the punishment. I just thought that such a punishment would have to be so creative that it is a shame one can't blog from hell or I could do a follow-up to each of the reasons why I am going to hell with what punishment I was attributed for it. Hmmm, something to think about, perhaps?

Reason Number 78 Why I Am Going to Hell

As you all know by now, there have been some relatives staying at our house. Less than I originally thought, yet still more than I feel comfortable with and definitely more than I want to have here. You also know that I call them by the affectionate name of "The Unwanted". Well, the damn Unwanted are the cause for reason number 78 why I am going to hell.

As any normal person trying to make a passive aggressive point about not wanting to have any interaction with some people and wishing they had not invaded his house, I have kept to my room most of the time since the Unwanted got here. However, that does not ensure that they will not bother me and get on my nerves as I do have to leave my room on occasion. One such occasion was the other day. I walked out of my room to get some dinner and found the Unwanted sitting at the dinner table. Of course, I have been having all my meals in my room to allow for minimum interaction but while I fixed my dinner the Unwanted Boy started asking me questions. It went as follows:

Unwanted Boy: "Do you wanna play soccer?"

Me: "No."

UB: "Why not?"

Me: "Because I don't like it."

UB: "Why don't you like it?"

Me: "I just don't."

UB: "So, when do you wanna play?"

Me: "I don't wanna play."

UB: "But there is grass outside so it's gonna be nice for us to play."

Me: "I don't wanna play."

(At this point, his sister, Unwanted Girl 2, chimes in)

Unwanted Girl 2: (to UB) "You don't even have a soccer ball."

UB: (to UG2): "Well, we can go buy one." (to me) "When we get a ball, will you play soccer then?"

Me: "I don't like soccer and, regardless of whether you ever get a ball or not, I will never, ever, play soccer with you. Ever!"

So I might have been a bit brusque, but keep in mind that during this grueling grilling, their mom, the Unwanted Aunt, just sat there saying nothing. The next day, I was airing my grievances out to The Co-Worker and she asked me how old Unwanted Boy was. I do not know his age, but my immediate reply was "Too old already, he should have died at birth. Unwanted bastard should have been a stillbirth." Upon uttering those words, I realized that I had stumbled into one more reason why I am going to hell. Not only had I wished that someone had been a stillbirth, but I had wished a relative of mine, and a mere boy at that, had been a stillbirth.

This is great therapy and, probably, the best idea I have ever had for short posts. Hopefully, you guys won't get to hate me. If anything, this should make me more human. Till the next installment of the reasons I am going to hell.

Reason Number 77 Why I Am Going to Hell

I realize I have not written a blog in a while. I have stuff to write, just not enough time to write it. I have found a simple solution. I will have some mini blog entries. These will be list of reasons why I am going to hell. Now, I have never kept track of all the reasons I have accumulated during my life, that is why I am starting with number 77. Especially since I am sure there have been more than 76 reasons in the past. Anyway, moving on to reason number 77.

I was sitting at my desk working on some forms that had been submitted. These forms have to be signed by every adult in the household. One of the forms had a note from a lady saying that her son was unable to sign the forms because he had color cancer. I understand the gravity of the situation, but my mind just kept wondering how exactly would colon cancer deter someone from being able to sign a form. After that, I was stuck with the mental image of a guy squatting over some paper with a pen stuck you-know-where trying to sign with his colon. I bust out laughing and thought the image was quite hilarious. Yes, I was sitting at my desk laughing at a poor guy with colon cancer and his struggling mother. I thus realized that was one more reason why I was going to hell and knew I would have to post it.

Well, till next time. I hope the next post will be a long post. If not, you will just learn about one more reason why I am going to hell.