Dottie Needs to Stop Calling Me Names

I have known Dottie now for almost four years. In those four years we have gotten to know each other and are pretty comfortable around each other. She is the person from work with whom I habitually go to lunch. We will often be joined by other co-workers but, when making the plans, she is the one that I usually consult. Working so closely for forty hours a week has lead to what most people call a friendship of sorts. It is not all perfect, of course. She used to have a propensity for calling gay people "fags" so I had to explain to her that it was not an appropriate term. We have had other arguments but they are mostly about religion. Mainly, her having one and me mocking it. It is these kind of interactions that often cause Dottie to flip me off, cuss me out, or both. That doesn't bother me, though, as I often have it coming. It also doesn't bother how often she "slips up" and calls me "girl." I figure she just feels comfortable around me and that makes me feel comfortable around her. She tends to be very straightforward and that is the reason why I called her the other day when I was acting like a little bitch and she called me one. I figure it's all fair and in good fun. However, last Tuesday I showed up to work and presented her with this,

Please forgive the wrinkled tissue paper but I was re-using some I had received. The gift bag, however, was brand new; even if it only cost me 69 cents.

What did I get for the, I am not going to say beautiful because I know the used tissue detracts from its overall presentation, pretty cute present? Did she say, " Thank you, Carlos. You are very nice and thoughtful?" No. When she opened her present, Dottie called me an asshole.

I may need to go back a bit before her response makes any sense. Dottie is not one to use foul language except in some very precise circumstances. She will cuss at you if you did something to deserve it or if she is not feeling well. Believe me, in this case and as usual, I had it coming.

It all started the previous Sunday. I was hanging out with BF when I get a text from Dottie saying, and I quote:

"Just came from Care Now and getting RX at Walmart. Been sick since Friday night with migraine headache and vomiting."

Since she mentioned she had sought professional help and medication, I asked if she was feeling better. She stated that she was. I, then, suggested she should stay home on Monday if she wasn't feeling well and she said she would go to work depending on how she was feeling. I stopped texting her then because she was cutting into my time with BF plus there was no way I could make her feel better.

Come Monday morning, I pulled into the parking lot to see her car there. I figured she was feeling better. I went to her office and she confirmed my hypothesis by stating that she felt better. The other co-workers that were gathered in her office then started asking her what was wrong. She explained how she had been sick all weekend. She even jokingly said that her daughter had, in jest, asked if she was pregnant. It is worthy of mention that Dottie's age is what she calls double-nickel (figure it out yourself) so she is past her child bearing days. We all shared in the laughter at the ludicrous and bizarre image of a pregnant Dottie.

The rest of the day went off without consequence. After work, I had to go to Target because the twelve-packs of Pepsi were on sale four for ten dollars. I like to stock up on soda when it is on sale as I drink a lot of it. While in the store, I decided to look around and see if there was anything else worth buying. It was then that an inkling of an idea began to spawn in my twisted little mind. I found myself shopping around for an item that I never would have thought I would buy. Seriously, if someone had ever told me before that I would one day purchase this item, I would have bet my life that they were wrong. Nevertheless, I headed over to the pharmacy area and purchased this,

This little box set me back about nine bucks but I refused to buy the generic brand because it did not look as cute. Also, I really love the black background from my pictures. Who would ever guess that it is just my comforter?

Now, even I am not enough of an asshole to think I can gift someone a pregnancy test and get off scotch free. How should I soften the blow? First, I thought, I had to buy a pretty bag. I walked over to the gift bag area and noticed there were some on clearance. On that clearance area, I found the cute little bag from earlier and, after making sure that the pregnancy test box fit inside, decided to buy it. I still felt there was something missing so I went over to the candy aisle and bought a box of Hot Tamales which happens to be her second favorite candy.

I drove back home and decided to put the present together. I had not bought tissue paper because I was sure I had some at home. I was wrong. I searched for a full two minutes before I gave up and decided to use some tissue paper from a gift I had received about a year back. It did not really go with the box because it was just one sheet of black and one sheet of white but I figured I would make it work. I ended up cutting up the black sheet in two so I could wrap the Hot Tamales and the pregnancy test and then just using the white as the picture shows. I was actually pretty proud of it but I had this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that this could all backfire somehow.

The next morning came around and I walked into Dottie's office and handed her the bag. You could tell she was a bit wary of what the gift could be. Just by shaking the first box she knew it was Hot Tamales. She did not know what the second box was, though, so she ripped a piece of black paper off so she could see what it was. The minute she figured out what it was, she looked straight at me and said, "You asshole!" She smiled as she said it so I knew everything would be okay. The gaggle of co-workers then started asking what the box was and she finally unwrapped it for all to see. I would like to tell you that the joke went over great and that people were laughing til tears came to their eyes, so I will. As far as you know, people laughed til their sides hurt, even if that is not the truth. The co-workers thought it was funny and they kept passing it around trying to determine who needed it most and joking around. The test ended up in one of Dottie's drawers and has been designated the office's contingency pregnancy test which is available to the next person with a pregnancy scare (it's always a pregnancy scare, right? I've never heard of a pregnancy pleasant surprise.)

All in all, the joke went over pretty well. Pretty well, though, is not worth the eleven or so bucks the gag gift had ended up costing me. I did not do it to get a great laugh, though. I did it to try and cheer Dottie up a bit after her terrible weekend and that would have been worth the eleven bucks if it had worked. Why do I say "if" you ask. I say "if" because I am not sure if it cheered her up. I don't know how funny women find reproductive jokes as I am not a woman but I do hope that it is not a sore subject for women of the double-nickel age. If nothing else, Dottie did smile plus she loves cussing me out, or at least I think she does otherwise why would she do it so often, so it was not a complete waste of time/money. After all, she could not have been that mad since she at least got a pretty gift bag and some Hot Tamales out of it. Nothing can be that bad if you end up with some candy.

I was going to end on that last line and I realized how pedophiliac it sounded. Don't think about it too much. I should just amend that line to read "Nothing can be that bad if you are an adult and you end up with candy." I guess that sounds a bit better. I don't want to encourage anyone to try anything just for the sake of candy but I am still pretty sure that, at least for Dottie, the candy made the experience better. I will stop now as I feel like I am digging a hole deeper and deeper. This whole paragraph sounds perverted. Damn.