First Amendment

To those that are wondering from my last post, I still have not received my clipboard back. To make matters worse, I have already lost two pens since Friday. I guess I am too nice for my own good. People, man! They just bring you down, turn you into a monster and then call you one. Still, I am holding out hope that I will see my clipboard back. Oh, where is my clipboard?

Moving on, if you have read my last blog, in addition to being up to date on the clipboard situation, you also know I spent last weekend helping a friend move. Now, I live my life by a set of rules. Some are inane ones like I have to eat the fortune cookie before I read the fortune. Don't look at me like I am weird. I am not the only one who does that... I think. Anyway, some rules I have set just to protect myself and my right to be lazy. One such rule is "I will never help anyone move, regardless of whether they are my friends or not." I have worked hard to uphold this rule. I have gone as far as to introduce myself by saying, "Hi, my name is Carlos and I will never ever help you move regardless of whether or not we become friends." Yes, this sounds funny and insincere. It usually works as a really good icebreaker too. Unfortunately, people rarely believe me and later on the road, once we are friends and they are moving, they ask if I am willing to help them move. To this I reply by simply saying, "Do you remember what I said when I first met you?" They often don't and I am only too glad to remind them. They always say that they thought I was kidding. And I always tell them that I wasn't and that regardless of how good friends we are, I hate moving and will not help them.

Heartless? Callous? Mean? Maybe. But the important thing to remember is that this makes me happy. I don't have to lift heavy boxes and move furniture or make a million trips up and down stairs hauling someone else's stuff and being paid with nothing but some fast food and a soda. I am sorry but gratitude is not enough payment for all that hard work. I like having people feel like they owe me, but they will never be able to pay me back if I help them move. I think by now I have made it clear that I hate, loathe, despise and abhor moving.

This brings me to the first amendment in my book of rules. It goes like this: "I will never help you move. This applies to all my friends and acquaintances." There is however one exception. "If your name is followed by the title of "friend" and this title has the modifier "best" in front of it, then, and only then, will I help you move. Only one person shall have the modifier "best" in front of the "friend" title at any point in time. Offer not valid with any other promotions. I reserve the right to change the terms of this exception at any point in time with or without further notice."

This is actually the first time I put this exception in writing. I only noticed it myself this past weekend. Looking back, this exception has applied since the establishing of the rule. I helped my previous best friend move twice. Once, it was even to a city 200 miles away. Now, I have helped my new best friend move. Yes, I carried boxes and moved furniture and even used tools. What did I get out of it? Well, we ate pizza and had a few drinks. But as with a lot of things in life, it is not what you are doing but who you are doing it with that matters. I guess I am a better friend than I care to admit. There is really not much I would not do for my friends. But let's keep that our little secret.

Oh, and by the way, to all of my readers, old and new, known and unknown, regardless of whether or not we ever become friends, I will never, EVER help you move.

I am a goner...

Maybe I am being a little over dramatic. You would too if you had your own conspiracy theory (as every good blogger does). Let me lay it on you.

I have a very strong suspicion that bugs are trying to get me. I am not crazy, though. It's not all bugs that are after me. I do have a very lukewarm relationship with ladybugs. As long as they don't surprise me and come at me from nowhere, I am very friendly with ladybugs. But, other than that, bugs don't like me. I live by one rule. Well, I live by many of them but I am only sharing one at a time. I don't remember, or am even aware, of all the rules. The rule of the day is: reciprocity. If you don't like me, I am not wasting my time trying to like you. Bugs don't like me, therefore, I don't like them. Simple cause and effect really.

Loyal readers will remember the attack of the killer wasp that happened a few weeks back. What readers don't know is that the wasp attack is not the first attack by the bug militia. A few weeks before I started my voyage into the world of blogging, I suffered my first surprise assault. I was sitting on my desk at work when, out of the corner of my eye, I see something moving. My sharp senses and superb reflexes allowed me to locate and avoid a spider that was rapidly moving towards me. I slammed the desk with my palm and the vibrations made the spider stop. The next few minutes seemed to be taken from an old western movie as me and my foe just stared at each other waiting for someone to make the first move. Usually at this point I would provide a long description of what the spider looked like but, unfortunately, I can't do so. And this time, it is not because my descriptive writing is lacking. The reason this time is that, even though I had about ten minutes to stare at my nemesis, I was not able to really observe its physical characteristics due to fact that the spider was barely about an eighth of an inch big. That is including leg span. I can tell you that much. It had legs and a very small, dot-like body. Regardless of the minuteness of my enemy, I knew it had fangs full of lethal poison and was just biding its time until I lost eye contact so that it could attack. I had to act fast so, after ten minutes, I figured I had to end the stand off and take action. Very carefully and slowly, as to not alarm the deadly assassin, I picked up my phone and called one of the girls in the back office to come kill it for me. In case you were wondering, there was mocking but I didn't care. After all, I was alive.

This brings us to today. Just when I thought it was safe to let my guard down, the enemy resurfaced. One of the first tasks I have to perform at work is bringing in the newspaper. It was a beautiful morning and I was in good spirits. I happily sauntered outside into the brisk spring morning. I picked up the newspaper and, as I slowly made my way back inside trying to soak up the sun and breathe in the fresh air, I saw it. This time it was bigger. I swear to you it was almost an inch and a half. Unlike the first, it did not have a small dot-like body but a big round one with stubby legs and I think it almost looked hairy. It was walking into the building at a fast pace and, despite my best efforts at trying to divert it from that path, made it into the lobby. For those who don't know, that is where my desk is. See the similarities? Both of them were spiders and both of them were at work. I guess the next attack is gonna be a bee in my car to keep the flying insects in the vehicle motif. Back to today. The new attacker was stronger than its predecessor. So I had to act faster this time. It only took me five minutes of staring before I called a girl from the back to kill it for me. She came in laughing, as she had heard of the previous spider, but when she saw the new one she asked me to get a broom. I promptly provided her with her weapon of choice. She brought her weapon to bear and slammed it down on the would-be killer. The enemy was stronger than expected and, even after three smacks, it kept trying to walk even though it kept oozing some really disgusting, sticky substance. The girl finally gave up and decided it was best to just sweep it outside.

I have survived, yet again, and foiled the plans of the bug overlord that keeps sending its minions after me. I know they are out to destroy, if not my life, at least my reputation as I have to call on girls to assist (rescue?) me. Working where I work, I have few options as to who to call in times of need. Besides, I rather live emasculated by having girls kill spiders for me than die bravely facing a foe that leaves me frozen with fear.

The war, however, rages on. How long I will be able to survive and thwart the increasing and ever stronger attacks of the dreaded bugs? No one knows. I shall keep you posted on the progress of this battle from the trenches. All I know is that I am not giving up without a fight. Even if it is a girl that is doing the fighting for me.