I Am Learning, Little by Little Mind You, That I Am Human.

Before I get into the details of my humanity and all, a quick update on last week's post. Yes, I am still a vegetarian. No, not for much longer. I will actually be giving it up in two days. You may be asking yourself why while raising your hands above your head exasperatedly. Well, there are several reasons. The main one being that of the three people that started in July, I am the only one still doing it. It's a lot more fun being a vegetarian when everyone else is doing it and you have someone to commiserate about the fact that you have to pay the same amount for a dish with four sides and no entree even if it is not as fulfilling as what everyone else is getting. Another reason for giving it up is because I am going on vacation to Portland in a week and a half and I want to be able to enjoy my vacation without having to worry about what to eat. Also, I am starting to eat meat a week in advance of my vacation so that my stomach gets used to it again and to avoid any episodes as I know I will be stressed enough by the travel alone. Other than that, I did enjoy my little forage into vegetarianism. I do believe sometime I will be able to do a permanent transition to a vegetarian diet but that may just be wishful thinking.

On a different note, they have changed my work duties, however temporarily, so I am unsure if I will have time to type this from work as I used to do it in my down time. It's not really good news though. Duties have been added to my schedule and I will even have to spend time away from my desk but there will be no pay increase and I am already frustrated with the way things are being handled. Since I am unaware of how much down time I will have, I may have to start writing from home. What will this mean to you? Nothing really. I will still try to do a new post every Monday. However, the length of the post may be considerably shorter to allow me time to go about my daily life, i.e. watching TV, drinking and such. Anyway, enough with the intros and on with the main point of this post.

So, after much thought and consideration, I have arrived at the conclusion that I am human, after all, with human emotions and everything. You may be wondering why my humanity was up for discussion but I am not a typical human. Especially when it comes to emotions. Yes, it is possible to bring me to tears but it's not through typical means. A good poem, recently W.B. Yeats Easter, 1916, a good movie, Fernando Leon De Aranoa's Princesas, or a good song, Stavesacre's Gold & Silver, will have me bawling like an infant. Yet, the tale of someone's misfortune or death just revs my brain into overdrive trying to find the most hilariously inappropriate comment I can make. I am often accused of being heartless and when that happens I often have no more recourse than to shrug my shoulders and agree with my accuser. It's not all great though. It does bother me that sometimes people don't tell me things because they are afraid that I will make fun of whatever they are going through. They don't understand that I am totally capable of exercising restraint and, though I will make light of the situation, I know when not to do it in front of them. I guess some people will always find a way to make everything about themselves though.

I have no idea where my callousness comes from so I will simply have to blame Medea. She was never really expressive of her emotions and I guess I learned from her. I remember that when I was a kid and used to hug her she would ask me what had gotten into me and if I had dreamed that she had died again. Most of the time, she was right as I would only hug her if I had a particularly vivid dream in which she died and when, upon waking, I was glad to see that she was still alive. However, that gladness was short-lived by her abrupt reception and accusing remarks of how I did not appreciate her unless I thought she was dead. Thus I learned to not express any emotion that may be seen as weakness and preyed upon. I called this living.

I have recently realized though that, even if I don't acknowledge them, the feelings are still there if buried deep within me and so strange to me that I almost do not recognize them when they dare surface. Two such cases happened a few weeks ago and they all happened due to the amazing person that is willing to put up with all my quirks, the BF.

The first one happened on a Tuesday. I don't remember exactly what was going on. I think he was in town but for some reason we had not seen each other in a while. We had talked daily but only for a few minutes because we both had things to do. On Tuesday, we talked as soon as I got off work but once again we had to cut the talk short for some reason or other. We always said we would talk later, but I knew that he would not call back til the next day. After I finished dinner and while I was watching TV and with no good reason for doing so, I called him. When he answered, I had nothing to say. I really had not thought it through. Nothing had happened since we had talked earlier and I found myself telling him that I had called him because it seemed like we had not talked enough even if I had nothing more to say. He gave a quick laugh and said that I had called him because I missed him. I immediately recoiled at his accusation because missing someone is something that I just don't do since it seems a sign of weakness. After all, I don't need anyone because I can take care of myself. I balked at his arrogant assumption and told him nothing could be further from the truth. The subject was then changed and we ended up talking on the phone for about an hour. While I was falling asleep that night, I was still thinking of his accusation that I missed him. I realized then that he was right. I was missing him but I did not recognize it because I have never really missed anyone in my life. I live a pretty independent life and I stay in touch with the people I want to stay in touch with when I want to stay in touch with them. I do not even miss my family. I feel more comfortable when my parents are here because my mom cooks and I know they are all right, but I never have the desire to call them and just talk to them. In fact, since they are in Mexico, I have to remind myself and force myself to call them once every two weeks. I was not aware that I could miss someone and, at first, was embarrassed that I could miss someone. I felt weak and stupid for letting someone influence how I felt. Thankfully, the second case which happened two days later changed my perspective.

Two days later, we had started making plans for the weekend. I was planning on spending the weekend at his place. We had been texting plans back and forth all day but when I called him after work he told me that the plans had changed. See, the BF has a dog, puppy as he likes to call him as he dislikes the word "dog," named Diesel. Since the BF travels a lot for work, he leaves Diesel with a friend of his that also has a dog, Nora. Therefore, whenever the BF is in town, he has to take care of two dogs, puppies, as they keep them together. That however is not important. What is important is that he told me that his friend was coming into the Dallas area for the weekend and that he was going to stay at his place so that our plans had to change. I felt an uneasiness at that moment but chalked it up to the fact that I don't like it when plans change. I told him that it was OK though because we could change our plans to accommodate his friend easily. I was not aware of anything unusual until the next morning when I woke up and remembered what I had dreamt. The BF's friend has a name that can easily be seen as unisex. I don't feel comfortable revealing his name so let it suffice that, in my dream, the BF's friend turned out to be a woman and that, upon meeting "her," my mind was put at ease. It took me a minute to realize that I was jealous. I have always stated that I am not a jealous person, but I have never really had a relationship, so I did not know for sure. In this case, the BF has a friend that shares with him his animals and love of animals and whom I never met and I was a little bit jealous. I was not even aware of it on a conscious level but, obviously, subconsciously I was troubled by it. Now, I have always maintained that jealousy is pointless but I should amend that to say that "excessive jealousy" is pointless. As things stand, I don't begrudge the BF having friends, but it is nice to know that I care enough to feel some jealousy as long as it does not affect the relationship.

I was super excited that I was jealous, to say the least. It was then that I realized that if being subconsciously jealous of the BF was a good thing, missing him was a good thing too. I told my friends at work about my new discovery as soon as I got to work and they were surprised and were the first to say that I may be human after all. I was elated for the rest of the day and told the BF the good news as soon as I saw him that night. He was not as excited about the new developments as I was but I don't think he understood how monumental these changes were. They kind of re-defined who I was which is not easy as I try to be a very self-actualized person. Also, I had proof that I was a person because persons miss people and get jealous. He still did not quite fully grasp why I was so excited kind of like he does not understand how I can enjoy being depressed. He's got a lot to learn about me but the good thing is that, apparently, so do I and I can't wait to find out what else there is to learn. I am a scholar after all.

We Are Almost Caught Up... Just Bear With Me.

I am having a hard time starting this post because I am unsure about what to write. I lead such a lackluster life that there are few things to write about. A typical day for me entails getting up, going to work, going to lunch, going back to work, going home, watching TV and going to sleep. It's a pretty routine life. Every now and then I will switch it up a bit. For example, last night I watched four episodes of Gilmore Girls (I own all 7 seasons on DVD) but I also read a few short stories and listened to some music. Every now and then I will go to the movies but that is it. I rarely deviate from that format. I mean, if it ain't broke... right? Except that all this non-broken-ness leads to a life with few complications and it is such complications that are compelling to write and read about. I have no complications. Unlike Jay-Z, I don't have ninety-nine problems. I wish I had ninety-nine problems. It would spare me having to write a paragraph like the one you just read. I mean, this is no way to gain an audience. I need to provide an escape to your mundane lives (I'm assuming, of course) by providing a window into my exuberant and glamorous life, which I don't have. However, there is no point crying over my life, or lack thereof, so I should move on with this post.

In the last two posts, I have caught you up with what is going on with me and my family. The only thing left to discuss would be my social life. I now need to catch you up with all the goings-on of all my friends and my dating life. This should be a short post.

On the friend front, I am happy to report that I have fewer friends than when I started this blog (I'm being sarcastic, of course. Please try to stay with me as I won't always type an explanation). I am a very gregarious person so I talk a lot to a lot of people but I am lacking the connection one usually has with friends. I usually keep my friend list short in order to be able to provide each one with a personalized experience and be able to have more one on one time. I have never had more than 3 or 4 real friends at a time. Let me clarify here that when I mean friends, I mean people with which I will share anything and everything. I am sure that I know some people that will be offended that I don't regard them as friends but, in my opinion, if I only see you at work and hardly ever outside of it, we are more friendly than we are true friends. Then again, I am probably just being really picky like Kristen Wiig's character in Bridesmaids (which, if you haven't watched it, you need to watch it. Maybe not right now. Maybe you should finish reading my blog first and then watch it. Yes, watch it right after you finish reading the blog. You can thank me later.) when she is complaining to Melissa McCarthy's character that she has no friends and Melissa tells her that she does have friends but refuses to acknowledge and reach out to them. I really hope that made sense. The point is, I don't think I have any really close friends right now as I have had in the past. I was at one point going to read the book "How to Lose Friends & Alienate People" (which was made into a movie in 2008 according to IMDB) but decided not to as I really don't need help in that department. You maybe asking yourself how I have managed to alienate people being the charming and charismatic young man that I am. I would like to blame everything on stupid drunken nights of debauchery that are so shaming my mind has repressed all memory of them, so I will. It is not my fault at all as I am a charming and charismatic young man. Therefore, stupid drunken nights of debauchery are to blame for all of it. Yes. That sounds right. At least it makes me feel better. Then again, I have not alienated all of my previous friends. Some of them just up and moved out of state and I am fairly certain, about 95%, that it wasn't because of me.

It isn't all bad though. I still talk to my friends that moved to Portland, sporadically but it still counts. We have also had two Skype movie nights. A Skype movie night is when we choose a movie on Netflix and then get on Skype and try to watch it at the same time. So far we have watched Zombies vs Strippers and the 1969 Batman movie. We have a thing for B-movies as they tend to be hilarious. Moving on, I still have my Houston friend whom I have never met but often provides me with excellent advice and from whom I borrowed the ingenious nicknames for my nephews. I also have co-workers like Dottie, Heidi and Preggo with whom I share a bond deeper than just the co-worker bond. In fact, if we could only hang out more outside of work, they could probably be upgraded to friends. Unfortunately, they have families and thus busy schedules which leaves them with little free time. So, I am not as lonely as I made it sound in the previous paragraph. In fact, the only reason I often find myself drinking alone, is because I can't resist the call of a bubble bath while enjoying a few drinks and watching The Colbert Report. And, while drinking in the bath is extremely fun, it does give the phrase "drowning your sorrows" a different connotation.

On to the dating front. I am afraid that I don't have many stories to tell. I have mentioned some of my dating experiences in the past and they tend to not be that great. One could easily assume that I am either very picky or very unlucky when it comes to the dating world. Well, I guess luck has to run out some time, even if it is bad luck, because I actually have a boyfriend at the moment! What?!?! Me having a boyfriend?!?! It is so unlike me, I know. But, what can I say? I met someone who is a sucker for punishment and therefore enjoys spending time with me. BF, as he will henceforth be known as, even thinks I am good-looking and I believe him because he is a crappy liar. He is older than me by a few years and has his life way more together than me. In a twist worthy of Shyamalan's early work, The Sixth Sense or Unbreakable and not The Lady in the Water or The Happening, he is a political conservative whereas I have a heart. Fortunately, he does think I am smarter than him and that makes up for the political differences because at least we agree on something. He has told me, more than once, that he used to think he was smart until he met me. I don't need to tell you how much I love that. Especially if you know me at all and know how much of a megalomaniac I am.  We met around New Year's and have been dating for about two and a half months. To be honest, I am a bit wary of the relationship because we haven't had a huge fight yet. We have had small disagreements and he stood me up, sort of, one time but, other than that, it's been pretty smooth sailing and I am not used to that. I am used to turbulence. I am used to Life of Pi style storms that capsize cruisers and leave small boys to cohabit with tigers in a lifeboat. Although I was not the biggest fan of that movie, I hope you have seen it or that reference holds no water. I don't know how much more I can say as I don't recall what his response was when I told him I may write about him. Also, I don't want to jinx anything so I should really not mention anything more though I am pretty sure he will come up in the future.

I guess that brings us up to date on the major stuff. I will have to really start thinking about what to write next. I am going to have to start doing things and that sounds exciting. I am also sure I can reach into my past for some interesting stories to tide me over now and then. I may also re-start my "Reasons Why I Am Going to Hell" but, either I have gotten nicer or I am more numb to what I say, because I don't come across those as often as I used to. I also owe you a recent picture of me but I have not gotten my haircut yet so you will have to wait. 'Til next time.

Round and Round We Go

Apparently, my friends seem to think that I need to date more. How do I know that? Simple. They keep telling me so. The fact that it is my life and that I am not great at dating and that I have had horrible experiences in the past, does not matter to them.

So I could stand to date more. I will give them that but it's not like dating is fun. At least not for me, anyway. Consider my last three dates. There was sock-sandal guy, young-anorexic-model guy, and old-creepy guy. None of whom are remotely long term relationship material. For example, sock-sandal guy, who earned his nickname by wearing socks and sandals to every date we ever had. This includes our advent into the Dallas Symphony during which I had sock-sandal guy wearing jeans and sandals with socks to my left and a lady in a fur coat to my right. Fun? You tell me. Then there was young-anorexic-model guy who ate nothing but lettuce on our date and then chose Monsters vs Aliens as the movie afterwards. Did I mention he was 19 and was studying fashion merchandising because he wanted to be a model? Last, and maybe least though I am not sure yet, was old-creepy guy. Now, I don't mind dating older guys. Anyone who knows me knows that. This guy, however, kept lying about his age and kept getting older as the evening progressed. I had to cut the date short in fear that he might die before the evening was over. Not only that, but I am quite sure that he "self medicated" before our date as he seemed out of it and did not make much sense. That is not what made him creepy though. His creepy factor came when he kept leaning real close and kept asking me if I liked "being approached". Now, I still have no idea what that means or entails but I am fairly certain that it gave me the creeps. To top the evening off, as I was answering a friend's call outside the bar, I happened to look inside and saw him giving the bartender his number. Yes, I have had some great moments in my dating past.

Back to the present, or at least the near past, this weekend my friend decided that it would be a good thing if she tried to find me a date. Apparently, the perfect place to find a date for someone like me is Craigslist. Nothing really screams "long term relationship with serious guy who is not just looking for the next hook up" than Craigslist. I must admit I was intrigued at first. My friend pulled it up and in a few short minutes we were appalled by the ads that people post in there. I would be tempted to repeat what the names of the ads were, but I am really trying to keep this blog family friendly. Well... maybe not family friendly, but at least PG-13 as I know I have readers with high sensitivity. I must say looking through the ads was a rather fun experience. My friend and I did not know whether to be shocked, amused or grossed out by some of them. Also, some of the pictures those guys post in there just make you think that some people have no sense of shame. We did get a few laughs out of it but it made me realize that you must be pretty desperate to post an ad on the Craigslist personals.

Obviously, I posted an ad. I had to. I mean, I am kind of desperate. Or, at least, I think I am so I fit the criteria. So, to sum everything up, yes I am trying to date again. I have bounced back from being rejected for being "too big". Also, I guess I should not say I "bounced" if I am trying to convey a sense of non-fatness. I must choose my words more carefully.

About the whole body image theme, I did happen to weigh myself yesterday for fun and was not amused by what I discovered. Since the last time I weighed myself two years ago, I have gained 20 pounds. I must definitely do something about that. For starters, I am only eating mini candy bars instead of normal sized ones. I guess that won't really help since, although the serving size is smaller, I have upped my intake from zero candy bars to three mini ones in a day. I also plan to do some sort of exercise, starting tomorrow. Or the day after. Maybe next week, but definitely soon. Anyway, I need to do something to move my body from an "O" shape to an "l" shape. Then again, that may never happen and I am trying hard to fool myself into believing I am okay with that.

On the whole "looks" category, I have learned some people hate my picture with the green sweater so a friend from work took a picture of me today. It is the one displayed at the top of this post and if I get enough comments saying I should change the picture, I just might do that. Notice the non-commitment part of that statement saying that I "might" instead of saying I would do it. I guess I shall let you all, yes all 5 of you, decide. If this sounds as a hook to try to get you to leave a comment, it is. Comments make me happy. Anyway, I have rambled on too long and you probably know more about me than you ever wished to know. Good night.

The Odyssey Continues

I did not realize that the hard part about writing a blog is trying to come up with things to write about. I have a lot of personal stories but I wanna save those for when nothing is really happening in my life. As for today, things happened.

First, I joined that dating site last night. A few details about that. If I ever thought that the gay community is kinda shallow and all about looks, I was right. While filling out the profile information, along with the usual details like hair color and height, one is encouraged (forced?) to provide weight and waist size. WEIGHT & WAIST SIZE!?!? Needless to say I was flabbergasted! Mainly because neither one of those numbers is as small as I, or any other guy, would like them to be. Yes, the site asked for some other rather personal (sexual) details but I still think that waist size and weight is going way too far. I have not weighed myself in years because weight is the one instance in which I believe that ignorance is bliss. Due to my high mass content, which is probably higher than the number I entered, I had very low expectations. I was all ready to settle for a dateless existence and then life just threw me for a loop...

I was having a really boring lunch. Mind-numbingly dull to say the least, when I get a text message from my best friend to call her as soon as possible. Being the optimist person that I am, I assumed something horrible had happened. When I finally get ahold of her she tells me that she just met someone she thinks will be perfect for me. Apparently, giving up on dating was just what I needed for life to send someone my way. I don't know much about the guy yet, but I like what I know so far. Life is full of paradoxes and is super annoying like that. I would say more but I don't want to jinx anything, even if I don't believe in jinxes. So, technically the dating site did not work out, but things may be looking up after all. Not funny, I know, but at least not depressing and for me that's an improvement.

Well, signing off for tonight. The posts may not be all that, but I am still working at them so bear with me and maybe they will get better (I am not making any promises).

In the beginning was the word...

So, yes, the title is a bit sacrilegious. Still, it is a good introduction as to who I am. I am not sure why I am starting this blog but I think it will be a good way to vent. Plus, with luck, no one will probably ever read this so it's not like I will get in trouble for it. Though, that would be fun.

Along with this blog, I joined a dating site tonight. In a way, this is a night of many beginnings for me. I am hoping that if nothing else I will get some good stories to tell from the dating site. Maybe then I will have more to write in this blog other than just normal rantings. After all, I can only write so much about tv.

I guess I should talk about me. Yes, I am pretending that I don't like doing that. I am in my late twenties and have no life to speak of. As proof of that I will admit that I have both a Netflix and a Blockbuster online account. At the moment, I am still living with my parents and in case that did not completely label me as a loser, I have not been on a date in months and only dated three times in the last year. I have a B.A. in English Literature even though I am not a native English speaker. I was born in Mexico yet I am not a typical mexican. I don't like soccer, or any sports for that matter. I was not raised, nor am I now Catholic. My religious views are eclectic and will become apparent as time goes along. I think I am a bit funny but I am not sure I can write a humorous blog. I am gonna give it a try though and see if I succeed.

I guess I have left a very important part of me for the end. I am a gay man. You would think that in this day and age that would not be a hard thing to say. Especially on the night when Ricky Martin came out. It is not as easy as it should be, though. Not when you come from a very traditional, religious, mexican family and live in a state like Texas which still has a little bit to go before being completely gay friendly. I still will try to be more honest with myself and those around me as I believe this to be better in the long run. I guess that is all I have to say for tonight.

In the beginning was this blog, and what shall come after it is yet to be seen.